I carry your heart [I carry it in my heart]

“I sometimes wake in the early morning & listen to the soft breathing of my children & I think to myself, this is one thing I will never regret & I carry that quiet with me all day long.”

–Brian Andreas

Yesterday I said goodbye to my little girls.  It was hard.  “Mama no te vayas” are the words that fell upon me most frequently.  Mommy don’t go away.

Being with them is one thing I know with all my heart that I will never regret.  It was five months of living a thousand tiny moments, but each with great love.  Teaching Dana to wash her underwear, letting Jesica Rubi cry, taking Mina to the mall, listening to Fatima’s stories, giving Alexa toothpaste, accepting Rosa Isela’s apologies, helping Lupita pronounce the ‘S’ sound, giving Yessenia piggy-back rides, dancing with Maria, changing Samantha’s diapers, painting Anahi’s toenails, reading Angela the Bible, braiding Emily’s hair, singing Lizbeth to sleep.  Small, small, things.  But somehow so significant.

I love the assurance that comes with having my hand grasped firmly in that of God’s.  I know He lead me to that orphanage, so I can be sure I did what was right in His eyes,  and I will never regret my time there.  Now He is leading  me to a new place, and I can be certain that this time will be beautiful as well.

“My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me” Song of Songs 2:10

“Has God really said?”

Tuesday August 30^th 2011

Last winter I wrote an entry during my Children At Risk school about our week on Inner Healing. In it I shared that my teacher Christy Scott described to us a vision God had given her about what happened in His heart the moment that humanity began to doubt Him. This moment is found in Genesis 3:1, when Satan in the form of the serpent approaches Eve in the garden and says to her, “Has God really said not to eat from any tree in the garden?” Christy shared that what she saw was that when Eve heard those words “Has God really said” she began to believe that lie.  Christy also described that she saw a hammer coming down hard, shattering the heart of God and little bits like jewels flew out in all directions to be hidden in the mud.

Me encanta (it enchants me) that vision, and I’ve been reflecting on it lately. Specifically those words “Has God really said?” Because I’m in a seemingly precarious place right now: I feel strongly that God has spoken to me that I am to do this Biblical Counseling school, which starts in three weeks, but financially it’s looking impossible. And I’ve recognized that this lie is trying to sneak it’s way in, this lie that says “Has God really said.?”

In the months that followed the words I received from God about doing this school I continued to press Him if it was really what He wanted that I do it, and He continued to confirm that yes, it is. About a month ago I asked Him again, and what I heard was this: “Why do you keep asking me this?” I laughed because He’s right, I don’t need to doubt what I know He has spoken. Recently I asked Him if He wants me to amp up my fundraising efforts, but what I felt is that He wants to show me that it’s by His power alone that He wants to make this school happen for me, and that He wants me to just trust Him with all I’ve got. What I heard was “Be still. And know that I am God.” which is a verse in Psalms.

So here I am, being still. And yet I already feel that joy of knowing God has come through for me in a mighty way, even though I’m still waiting, because I know that He will come through for me. And I know that for the rest of my life I will be able to share of that time when I was a poor missionary in Mexico curiously checking my bank account everyday and how at the last minute God sent me exactly what I needed to travel to Chile. Because our God is the God who provides. Our God is the God who keeps His promises. That’s something that my friend Natascha told me back in Tijuana when I told her what God had said about Chile, she told me to hang onto that, to hang onto what God had spoken to me. Well, I’m still hanging on! It kind of feels like a giant bouquet of helium balloons, you know. There’s this pressure where it feels like it’s going to slip out of my grasp and escape into the clouds, but I’m hanging on with all I’ve got because I know that Yes, God has really said.

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Tuesday September 13th

This weekend I bought a plane ticket for September 21^st to SANTIAGO, CHILE!!!! It’s a purchase I’ve been wanting to make since March, but did not have the funds to do so until very recently. God has been teaching me to depend on Him for EVERYTHING, and my long wait to see Him come through for me financially has definitely deepened my trust in His provision. I am so thankful, not only to the Lord but for the people who obeyed when He moved their hearts to give to me. Thank you.

Letting go

I leave in ten days. As September 19^th becomes ever closer I hear the same thing as it echoes over and over again in my thoughts.

 I told them not to call me Mami.

 How I will ever be able to leave them is a question I’ve been ignoring for months, but.. it’s becoming rather impossible to ignore. Especially when the girls ask me how much time is left. Poquito, is the truth. Only a little.

 I’m currently being shadowed by one of the older girls who will take over my responsibilities when I leave, and as much as I know having her learn from me is good for the sake of the girls, it’s making leaving a whole lot harder for me. Because it makes it real. Yes, I am really going to leave you Little Ones. It’s hard not to feel guilty about that. My three little daughters are here for various reasons, but a common thread between them is that their real Moms chose other people over them. A son, a boyfriend, a husband. Somedays I feel like I am following suit, choosing myself and my crazy dreams over giving these beautiful baby girls a stable Mama who will stick with them.

 I know my leaving is a sensitive subject, but I’ve been trying to talk to the girls about it so that they’re not left in shock when they don’t wake up to my hoarse morning-voice singing to them anymore. I asked Yessenia how she felt about it the other day, and in her tiny little pouty voice all she would say to me was “bad.” Me too, Sunshine. Believe me.

“Mami.” Something that is looming over me, something that seems trivial but feels entirely opposite in every way, is the reality that soon my girls will be using that sacred and beautiful name for someone else, and not for me. Oh, do I even have a right to struggle with that? I’m the one who’s leaving! And I’m not even their real true Mami. But it hurts, oh it hurts. I’m so jealous. I’m sad because I won’t be here to sing to them at bedtime, or cradle them in my arms to pray over them as they sleep, and I don’t think anyone else will do that when I’m gone. And I don’t know who will read the picture book “Me llamo Yoon” to Maria three times in a row every day, or who will help Yessenia learn how to write the lowercase “r”, or who will watch the stars with Mina when she can’t sleep.

What I keep coming back to is that God asked me to be here for these five months, and not more. He knew of the grief that would grow in my heart and in theirs when this time came, but He asked me to be here anyway. I know it’s not supposed to be good for kids to put them through this, but I have to trust that He has accomplished enough good in this time to make up for any damage they will endure because of my departure and absence. I have to believe that He can continue teaching them about Himself no matter who tucks them in at night, that He will bless them and protect them even if there are no prayers spoken over their sleeping selves. I have to accept that they have been His from the beginning, that He entrusted them to me for only a time, and that now it’s time to give them back.

“I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes full of desire and love.  And He said to me, You shall love Me.. You shall love Me.. With arms wide open, heart exposed.  With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding, You shall love Me.. You shall love Me…”

-Misty Edwards